I Just Don Care Anymore
by Laheara
Summary: Missing scene from season 4 premier. Set in 4 months between season 3 and 4 after Sam has finally given up on saving Dean and is hunting Lilith full time. This is my take on when he decides to let Ruby teach him to use his powers.


Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, Sam or Dean, unfortunately.  I just do this for fun and because I REALLY LOVE the show.

**Summary: Missing scene from season 4 premier. It happens in between season 3 and 4 when Sam has finally given up saving Dean and was hunting Lilith full time. This is my take on when he decides to let Ruby teach him to use his powers. Couple small swear words to keep in character, just warning.**

**I Just Don't Care Anymore**

**By Laheara**

Sam heard a knock at the door and looked out while he was drying his hair after a shower. He saw Ruby get up and answer so he ducked back in to slip his shirt on and comb his fingers through his hair. He as hungry and was looking forward to the pizza. He heard a lot of talking and came out of the bathroom to see something he had wished for so many times over the last four months that he thought he must have dozed off or be daydreaming.

Sam stood there dumbfounded staring at the two people outside his hotel room. He couldn't take his eyes off Dean, memorizing every feature while he had the chance before he woke up and found himself alone again. He knew it couldn't be real but he wasn't going to waste this moment while it lasted. Then when he didn't wake up he realized that something was wrong, he was right the first time, it couldn't be real. Dean was dead. His brother was dead, his body was rotting in a pine box not far from here and his soul was being tortured in hell.

Sam had grown so used to something trying to kill him over the last 4 months that he made sure to always be armed. His hand snaked around to the waistband of his jeans and pulled a silver knife which he then used to dive at the thing that had the nerve to take on his brother's image.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Sam demanded and fought as Bobby pulled him away holding him tightly. Too many possibilities ran through his mind from shape-shifters to tricksters o demi-gods or other demons trying to mess with him to some really out there things he'd just recently learned about thanks to Ruby.

Finally Ruby had safely left without tipping Dean off to who she was and Sam was alone with Dean and Bobby. As he sorted over his thoughts he flashed back to how wretchedly hollow and alone and completely worthless he felt when he first met Ruby again and how he now felt almost as bad after betraying Dean's last wish.

Sam knew he couldn't tell Dean or Bobby about what he'd been doing, how he'd let Ruby finally teach him how to use his powers and how they had been hunting and killing demons together on their path back to Lilith. Dean had made it clear he didn't want Sam going anywhere near learning that stuff, and what had Sam done? He went against his brothers dying wish and let Ruby in, let her get close to him and guide him. He felt terrible at first when he realized what he'd done but then the thrill of what he could do and the fact that he was saving people got to him.

He recalled the day he finally gave in and shivered remembering how he felt when he had been reunited with Ruby about a month ago.

**Outside Colorado Springs – nearly 3 months after Dean's death**

Sam looked at the map he'd placed on the passenger seat of the Impala. He reached over and pushed the skip button not wanting to listen to depressing song that just came up on his iPod. He has considered getting a GPS mount the same time he got the iPod jack but knew that Dean would likely want to kill him for changing too much in his "baby".

He had managed to track down a group of demons to small town in Arkansas but Lilith managed to mask them some how and escape. He waited around a couple days trying to pick up their trail again but it was obvious they were gone. So he started looking for more demonic omens and found them in Colorado. Crop failures, freak lightning storms, cattle deaths, the whole deal which meant something big was going down here.

He'd managed to figure out what seemed to be a central area all the strange occurrences revolved around and was now on their trail heading just outside of town again. He saw that he was nearly out of gas and luckily saw a small rundown station not that far ahead. He pulled in next to a pump and looked to see if the place was open at 1130pm which it was. He opened the door and pulled out his wallet out to check for money or a credit card that still worked. Finding the money he filled the tank and walked toward the dirty windows of the small store.

When he was about 3 feet from the door it blew open and two men with black eyes came at him so fast Sam barely had time to react before they were on him. He kicked one in the stomach and it fell back as he pulled Ruby's knife and got the other through the throat the same way he'd first seen her do it. He smiled at the flash of red and white light as the demonic son of bitch bit it. Then he turned to other one holding the knife shoulder height as he glared at evil thing.

"COME ON!" Sam screamed as he edged forward not taking his eyes off the demon. Then from behind him someone grabbed the knife from his hand and kicked him away. When he caught his breath he looked up to find and attractive brunette staring at him with black eyes.

"I believe this is mine, thank you." Then she flicked her wrist and sent the other demon flying into the wall of store knocking some bottle of motor oil down on top of him. When she turned back to Sam he was just straightening himself back to full height and looking at her strange.

"Ruby? Is that really you?" Sam wasn't sure if he believed her.

"Yeah, it's me." She looked at the knife and walked over to the unconscious demon and wiped the blood off the blade on its blue jacket. "Thanks for not loosing this; it would have been a pain in the ass to have to make another one."

Sam just stood there not knowing what to say as she came back over to stand in front of him. Her new body was just a little shorter than her last one but her mannerisms and how she handled herself seemed very much like the demon he had known before.

"I thought Lilith killed you or sent you back to hell." Sam was holding back the question he really wanted to know.

"She did send me back to hell, but when you reopened the gate I got back out. Thanks for that, by the way." She smiled and looked him over seeing he didn't have a mark on him. "I was actually surprised not to see you down there, since Lilith isn't exactly a big fan of yours, but I see you managed to dodge another one."

"Yeah, well I'm not a big fan of hers now either since she… since De… Now I want the bitch dead as much as you do." Sam could feel the fury and rage inside him rising as he thought about the glee he saw on Lilith's face as she watch the hell hound tear Dean to shreds. He remembered holding Dean's body and the feeling of utter loss so deep he hoped he would drown in it and never see the light of day again.

Sam was brought out of his dark memories by the feeling of Ruby wiping away the tear that was running down his face. He was so engrossed in his misery he didn't even notice her step closer to him and for some reason he didn't pull away from her touch.

Ruby noticed this and took as a confirmation that Sam did believe it was really her. "I'm so sorry for what happened to Dean and that you had to see it. Like I said then, having gone through it myself, I wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemy. But you've survived, you're still here and you're still strong. You went up against a demon most of my kind fears more that anyone else and you walked away without a scratch. This is just going to add to your legend and maybe even bring more over to our side from hers."

Sam finally pulled away and stared at her. "I don't want to be followed by anyone, demons or humans. I just want to keep doing what I've been doing, on the road killing evil things and saving people."

Ruby glared at him. "Sam, wake up! Do you really think that this will just go away? That all those demons you released the first time and now the new ones you let out the second time are just going to play nice and wait for you to find and kill them? NO! They are going to get their baring up here and then come for you in force and in groups and kill and destroy everything in their along the way. Alliances have been formed and right now Lilith has the biggest but many of us who were released on the first opening were allied with Azazel which means they came here to follow you. There are still a lot of them out there and they want you to lead them, as was promised. All you have to do is make it clear you're onboard with that and you'll have an army of demons to help you fight back against Lilith. And I can teach you how to use those powers to make it happen if you would just STOP fighting me."

Sam staggered back towards the Impala. "NO! Deans dying wish was that I not give in to the evil inside me. He didn't want me to change and become like all of you."

"Sam, you won't go evil. The powers are yours, which means they are a part of you and will do whatever you want. If you want to use them kill demons that's what you'll do. Just let me teach you how it works, once you do it you'll see that they aren't going to change you into a killer or a demon." Sam still didn't look convinced and Ruby could tell she wasn't getting through to him so she pulled her ace out. "Look you're all you have now. Dean is rotting in hell having things you couldn't even image in your wildest dreams done to him. And all because he valued your life above his and he brought you back here. Did you ever think that maybe that was meant to be? Maybe you are supposed to do this, to fight demons, ironically, using powers given to you by a demon."

Sam stopped backing away and looked at her with an expression that actually scared Ruby. He didn't look lost or vulnerable anymore, he looked hard and cold with a sense of self-loathing you could feel a mile away. Ruby swallowed hard as he stepped up in front of her and stared down with eyes so void of their former sadness she didn't know if she should run or not. "What you said before. That I have a bomb inside and that if I'd let you teach me before I could have saved Dean. Were you lying?"

Ruby was still taken aback by Sam's expression that she nearly missed his question. Finally she pulled herself together and stood to her full height. "No, I was telling the truth. You have a kind of power inside you that you can't believe. The things you could do with will blow your mind. I can teach you to tap into that."

Sam swallowed not breaking his eye-to-eye with Ruby as he asked. "Could I use it to bring Dean back?"

Ruby knew this was her moment; this was her in to get Sam to open up to her if she lied to him and said yes. But she could also tell that he was reading her every move and breath and was pretty sure he would know if she lied. So she sighed deeply but didn't break their eye contact as she answered truthfully. "No. No power I know of could bring him back now. I'm sorry Sam, but what's done is done and you can't change it. But I CAN teach you how to blast Lilith and all her minions into the deepest darkest pit of hell that it would take them a thousand lifetimes to claw their way back out again. And in the process you can save all those people they are possessing and give them back their lives with no memory of the horrible things they've done."

Sam stood there staring at Ruby for what seemed like hours. She actually thought he might not move at all. But all of her senses were spiked because she could FEEL the incredible power in him churning and building to a boiling point. All of that delicious power so close she could taste it was breathtakingly intoxicating. Even if Sam lashed out and killed her host on the spot she would still consider it worth while to have sensed what so many other demons feared in him.

Finally Sam broke their gaze stepping back to lean on the Impala and looked very deep in thought. Ruby felt an immediate sense of loss at the sensation being torn away so quickly. She staggered for a couple seconds as she caught her breath then looked at Sam who was still looking at the ground. Then he stood.

When he looked at her again there was a new expression on his face. One that surprised her but didn't scare her this time. It was one of acceptance and failure. She didn't want to do anything to screw it up but Ruby could tell she finally had Sam on her terms.

Sam had a fleeting thought where he begged Dean to forgive him; but his desperate need for vengeance and the thought that he could make a difference overpowered his better judgment. "I don't know if you're telling the truth or just trying to turn me. But if you are, I can't pass up the chance to save those people and kill as many of these bastards as I can. So, okay, you win. Teach me."

Ruby's smile split her face nearly in half as she walked over to Sam and pressed herself against him as she looked into sad eyes. Her left hand rested against his chest as she buried her right hand in his soft brown hair. "Oh Sam, you just made me the happiest demon alive. The things that we'll do together will rock both worlds. And when it comes time we'll kill that bitch together."

Sam would normally want to jump out of his skin at the idea of having a demon all over him like this. But he was so lost and hated himself to the degree that he didn't care what Ruby did with his body. He just didn't care anymore, as long as he could take down Lilith.

When Ruby leaned harder against him reaching up to kiss his lips Sam managed to weakly turn his face away so she whispered into his ear. "And we even have our first test subject right here. Let's make him suffer before we send him back to hell." Ruby's eyes went black again as she smiled evilly and took Sam's hand to lead him over to the demon who was just waking up.

* * *

Author Note: So what do you think? Good? Bad? Ok? Let me know with that little button right below. Or send me a PM. This is un-betaed so if you found typos, sorry I don't have anyone to fix them for me.

Well I'm REALLY glade that Supernatural is back and look forward to another great season.

Laheara


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